Unexpected Wetness

The world is filled with classic books about loving families overcoming incredible odds so that they can grow even more adorable as a unit, bursting into song at any given moment and wearing matching clothing during boating adventures in non-polluted streams. Next thing you know, producers are knocking on the door and the glowing story has been turned into an inspirational mini-series that is life-affirming, smile-inducing, and contains no trans fat. This is not one of those stories. Instead, we tag along with a less-perky family as they navigate the startling minefields of a modern amusement park, a questionable lark that someone in authority should have nipped in the bud but, due to budget cuts, there was no one around with any sense. Wild-eyed and filter-free, they tromped naively through the gates of Six Flags, unaware that they would soon be dealing with vehicular malfunctions, copious tears, regrettable language, the tragic loss of a halter top, and very little singing. (Unless you count the dancing pig.) Life is too short to make poor entertainment decisions. Or wear ugly shoes. In the event that your own family should ever develop a hankering to attend a themed venue involving hydraulics and splashing, this mini-travelogue will be more useful than those long ago black-and-white safety films that instructed you to dive under your flimsy school desk should an atomic bomb drop from the sky. Or you can just read this story for the funny bits. No harm in that. Just be sure to wear something waterproof…