Why Did The Alien Cross The Galaxy? To Find a Fake Boyfriend and Befriend a Vacuum Cleaner

Observer log 1: what I learned on my first day on Earth 1. A coffee shop is a hub of human social interaction. 2. Cookies and hot chocolate can end interplanetary disputes. 3. High fives solidify relations between humans. 4. Vacuum cleaners make incredible companions. 5. You can help humans keep their former mates away by agreeing to pretend to be their fake new mate. 6. If there is only one bed at a hotel, it is customary to share it with your human fake mate.